Hate Me
by The Daxinator
Summary: SoraxRiku. Sora just can't forgive himself for all the things he didn't do.


**Hate Me**

SoraxRiku

Sora can't forgive himself for all the things he didn't do.

(Written partially while listening to the song 'Hate Me' by Blue October. Thus, the title.)

I just finished watching What Dreams May Come and I had the strongest urge to write something. So, I sat down at my computer, opened up Writer, and this is what came out. I wanted cheery, I got melancholy. I wanted a happy ending, I got a depressing one.

Oh boy. I can already tell that it's gonna be one of those days.

If you really want to get into the mood, I would suggest either the song 'Sing for Absolution' by Muse, or 'Hate Me' by Blue October. Here are some links to Youtube videos with those songs. I listened to both while writing so I guess that they're sort of the soundtrack to this one. SfA is an extremely emotional song that's sure to strike a few chords and HM just really fits this fic. I, for one, bawled my first time hearing SfA while reading a fic called Strong Heart on aff. net. If you want a good cry—and I do mean a **good** cry—try out Strong Heart in the DBZ section. Guaranteed to have you a sniffling, watery-eyed mess by the end. Oddly enough though, you aren't left with this felling of hollow depression. Hm... Wow. I just so totally got off topic. Forgive my wandering mind. Well, here's the links I promised a while back.

Sing for Absolution: **www .Youtube. Com/ watch?vfnVxWN0PxU**

Hate Me: **www .Youtube. Com/ watch?vMtxHn1qbQFA**

You'll have to take out the spaces. Aff. net nor ff. net allowed the links without them.

**0000000000000000000000**

What does it mean when you say that you took something for granted?

_**I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
**_

Are you implying that you didn't take everything you could have away from an experience? Or maybe that you didn't live to the fullest?

_**They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
**_

It doesn't make you a bad person does it? Just because you were deluded into believing that you didn't have to live like it was your last day on earth, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person...does it?

_**There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
**_

I guess that when it comes to something like being sure that you had a steady job just because you could get by just fine from week to week, when it's something like that, it's not bad. Or when you think you have all the time in the world, but really you don't.

Nah. Silly little stuff like that just means you're naïve. And naïve doesn't equal bad, just a bit... dim. And I guess I'm nothing if not a little dim.

Most people are happy with that explanation and I suppose that I am too.

_**And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?**_

...But what if you were to take **love** for granted?

_**And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space**_

What does that make you? Naïve? Foolish? Spoiled?

Well, let's see. If you were to take love for granted, you would be seeing them through a tinted glass that doesn't allow you to see just how absolutely wonderful they are. You'd be stuck in the realm of the physical. You could see their physical beauty, and you would praise it at the beginning of every day, as you brushed their hair away from their face as they slept peacefully. You would feel irresistibly drawn to somehow claim that beauty as **yours**, and then you would succumb and do so with a passionate kiss to wake them.

_**Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**_

They'd giggle and push your face away, complaining of morning breath and inhumane punishment. And you would roll your eyes as you laughed at their antics. And then you'd be up and on your way to the shower. And after that would be a quick visit to the kitchen to grab some of what they were cooking before yelling a quick "love you" their way as you left.

_**I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again**_

Maybe to most people it doesn't sound so bad, but you know what you forgot? You forgot to tell him you love him. Sure, you said the words as you were leaving. You did that every day. But when's the last time you did it **not** just because it was part of your everyday routine... and because you just wanted to?

_**In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight**_

Or how about the last time that you really appreciated that no one else could—nobody else **would**— ever stick with you when you were being ass, like you so often were. And then was the day when you were just feeling like shit, but the moment you saw him dancing and singing along with the radio in the kitchen when you got home, you instantly felt better.

_**You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind**_

You never thanked him once for any of that.

_**Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you**_

And what about the memories that he gave you? The memories that kept you sane even when it hurt to just be alive—times like now, yeah?

His devious smile as picked up the stray blitzball, only to run off in the opposite direction with it screaming bloody murder as the entire blitz team chased after him.

The sound of his voice, raspy from the hours of sex and passion you wanted for your birthday instead of a wrapped gift.

The feel of the soft skin of his belly from when you slide your frozen hand under his sweater as you skated on a frozen lake during a visit to Christmas town. He yelped and nearly fell on his butt before clinging tighter as he shoved his fingers down the back of your pants. That one still brings a chuckle to your lips, even now.

_**Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**_

But did you ever think to tell him how grateful you were to have him? How much you loved him?

_**And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made**_

No, you didn't. You thought he would always be there to hear, so you never thought to say it. You never thought that he was mortal enough to be hurt. He was your baby. So how could something as ridiculously nonlethal as a rainstorm on his way home from class take him from you? How was that even possible?

_**And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"**_

Spoiled? Yeah that sounds about right.

And you will **never** be able to forgive yourself for having been so selfish with your affections so that your farewell gift to him had been a cheap "I love you" that you had just barely remembered to yell back in the direction of the door.

_**Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then he whispered "How can you do this to me?"**_

And unlike naïve, selfish **does** equal bad.

_**Hate me today**_

As I lean over the polished black coffin that hides my baby's cold, pale form from my eyes, I whisper, just loud enough to for me alone to hear it.

_**Hate me tomorrow**_

"I love you, Riku."

_**Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you**_

I really do mean it this time, and I'll never forgive my stupidity in forgetting that.

_**Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you**_

**0000000000000000000000**

Wow. Here I sit down with the intention of writing a sappy love ficlet, and I get Riku being killed in a car accident with Sora left behind to wallow in misery. Mur. Please excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep.

I just added the lyrics to the song 'Hate Me'. I'm always humming or singing it while revising it so I figured that it wouldn't hurt just to add in the damn thing.


End file.
